Letting go…

From a very young age, I have always wanted to call the shots. At the ripe old age of around 11 months, I was already demanding a veto over the outfit picked for me. At daycare, I refused to take a nap like the other children. Instead, I negotiated that my cot to be placed in the library, so I could read while others slept. As I got older, I continued to deviate, rebel and challenge those in authority, pursuing my uphill battle to hold on tight to the reins of my life. In hindsight, this was all an attempt to maintain control. My attempts to dictate the rules that applied were indeed to give me a semblance of being in charge of my destiny.

From the time I can remember, I always needed to be in charge and in control. I wanted to be the one writing the story to my life. Those who tried to offer me their advice and impart their wisdom: dismissed – in a rather ungraceful and ungrateful fashion – sorry to those well-meaning people who tried. Please accept my apology and chalk it up to my youthful naivety and my headstrong ways. 

However, I continued to forge headfirst into adulthood with the same tendencies – trying to organize everything so as to fit it all into neat little boxes, wrapped in the most perfect paper and topped with a stunning bow.

But you know what? Not everything life throws at you can be perfectly giftwrapped. Life holds its share of surprise shapes and unusual formats. There is no prefab. There is no script. And there is no way to put the toothpaste back in the tube.

So how do you navigate life’s road bumps, especially when there is no pre-charted course? 

You buckle up and enjoy the ride. 

Given my history, you can imagine how hard it has been for me to realize, that in fact the best way to actually have a semblance of control over my life, is to actually loosen my grip. I have had to embrace the art of letting go and the battle has been real, raw and not without casualties. And it’s far from over. 

I know I am not alone.

Letting go is so much harder than holding on. We are hardwired to hold on, letting go has to be learnt. Moreover, in order to let go, you have to be willing to embrace an inconvenient truth – that being that, try as you might, there are a great many things you can not control. And that, my friends, takes a great deal of courage to accept. 

We spend so much time and energy focusing on things that are so far out of our control that we can’t even make out a silhouette, yet alone a clear picture. This is especially true once you have children. We spend so many years putting in so much energy, time and focus, that it becomes even harder to step back and pass over the reins. 

However, your children, their path and their choices are not part of your control panel. So, when it comes to the feeling of being in control, this energy is so much better diverted to your own projects. 

Things you can control: making time to take care of yourself. Go for a run, take up yoga, make a date with a friend, start a new hobby, talk to a therapist, spend your Sunday afternoon reading a good book, make your favourite meal, write in a journal, take a class, change jobs, go on an adventure, build something, learn a new language, join a group, the possibilities are endless…

Every day, you should be giving a great deal of attention to your number one project: you! And on the flip side, you need to be paying less heed to other people’s projects. This is not to say that we should only focus on ourselves. You can support, you can lead by example, you can listen with empathy, you can empower, you can console, but you cannot control another person’s destiny. 

Sometimes we need to remind ourself “this is not my project” and then let go…

Sometimes the pressure needs to be lessened to allow for growth.

Sometimes taking a step back will give a better perspective.

Sometimes our meddling may do more harm than good.

Sometimes we can actually help more by doing less.

Sometimes space is needed to breathe.

And sometimes we must accept that the problem is just not ours to fix.

Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than hanging on. Eckhart Tolle

Special hugs to my peeps working so hard on their own projects right now, while watching from the sidelines as their kids try to figure out their own path. 

R.